She nestles herself under my chin, pressing her head into my neck. I can tell my husband bathed her tonight because he missed a small spot. The smell of sweet baby wash is interrupted by the scent of outdoor playtime. One spot, right on the top of her head.
She’s getting so big, growing so quickly.
But, we’ve taken a small step back, recently. Bedtime has become a chore. No more crib, no safety bars to keep her contained. Just a big kid in a big bed who suddenly needs her mommy to hold her while she drifts off to sleep. She tries all of the tricks to delay sleep:
“Sing “Bitsy Biser” (Itsy Bitsy Spider) mommy!” “Drink water, mommy!” “Scratch tummy, mommy!” “Where Rubble and Skye, mommy?”
I need her to sleep because I still need a shower and a few moments of quiet time and most nights I’d almost be willing to pass on the shower if it meant I would get an extra hour of sleep. But, even if I crawled into bed dirty an hour earlier, I still wouldn’t fall asleep for the next several hours. My mind races with the thoughts of all the things I do wrong, the things I haven’t accomplished, and the things on my to-do list for tomorrow. Some days I just feel defeated, exhausted, and always hungry. Just go to sleep, please! I think to myself as she finds yet another excuse to fight sleep. As soon as the thought comes to my head, I regret it. Tears burn in my eyes and my breath catches in my throat. My days of snuggles and singing songs at bedtime are numbered, and I know it. If I knew just how few of these days are left, I would probably die from the heartache.
Suddenly, nothing matters- not the deadlines, the dirty dishes, not even my own dirty hair. When I realize how quickly time is passing, I believe that I would gladly sit in a filthy house, wearing the same stained clothes, neglecting everything else in my life if it meant that I could just sit and hold her while she still adores me and requires my constant attention. The days are long, this is so very true. But, after only two years I am discovering just how short the time I have with her actually is.